BLOOD BITE VIII

“Absolutely Frightening”

“Purely terrifying”

“Just plain scary”

“Gruesome”

If these were just a few things you heard about a new horror film, you might seem optimistic.  However, in the case of the recently debuted Blood Bite VIII these words are used only to describe one of the most poorly constructed films of all time.  The ONLY reason this film can be found in the horror section is because that is the only way to accurately describe it.

Blood Bite VIII follows the tale of one Diego Darkcanyon who has an unexplained phantom condition where he turns into a werewolf any time he becomes angry.  Diego apparently has a girlfriend dating back to high school that he is still with and eventually reveals to her his condition.  Again, how he went so many years without being angry around her even once fuels my rage against this film.  I was getting angry at her just watching it.  Long story short, there is an extremely awkward breakup scene with an inordinate amount of inappropriate bestiality inferences that I simply cannot unsee/unhear.  Exit shallow girlfriend.  Now Diego is left with the tall task of trying to be a normal half man half wolf in an infuriating world.

I have envisioned what the producers were thinking of in the board room when they pitched this movie.  “He wakes up, stubs his toe on the furniture and BOOM! werewolf.  He spills his morning coffee on his lap, BOOM! werewolf.  He’s sitting on the john trying to do his business and there’s no toilet paper, BOOM! werewolf.

Probably the worst part about Blood Bite VIII is that when he was in his werewolf stage, he had the same behaviors and mannerisms as he did when he is human.  Let’s give credit where credit is due when this metamorphosis happened elsewhere, the incredible hulk went completely nuts, changed colors and HIS CLOTHES ACTUALLY RIPPED WHEN HE BECAME TOO BIG AND ANGRY!

Even the little Twilight jerk turned into an actual wolf and had wolf-like abilities.  No full moon, no weakness to silver, he reminded me a lot of the wolf character voiced by Steve Bucemi from Hotel Transylvania with the wife and dozens of kids.

The tribute that this film deserves is to be buried in an unmarked grave and never spoken of again with the exception of the aforementioned list of worst films ever made.

Cap Cappie, The Reel Deal