It Won’t Die

I will say this about the Blood Bite… god how I hate this word…franchise: I empathize with Diego Darkcanyon. He is powerless to resist the curse that forces him to transform into a (poorly rendered) wolf creature. And I am powerless at avoiding the increasingly terrible Blood Bite films, no matter how I hard I try. Most days, being a movie critic is enjoyable, combining my loves of cinema and wordsmithery. But I know for every beautiful and challenging piece of French New Wave or Dogme 95 that enraptures me, somewhere out there, Diego and Lucy are waiting to pounce on me with another chapter in their insipid wet noodle of a romance.

It turns my stomach to know that I’ve spent more time on this review than the 5 (!) credited writers spend on the regurgitation session that was delivered to these “actors” in screenplay form. I swear there’s an entire scene that’s been lifted from Blood Bite VI (or was it Blood Bite III?) verbatim. I can’t verify that, or rather I won’t, as that would involve watching one of these films a second time. And while I love you, dear reader, I don’t love you that much. Why even bother discussing plot or special effects? You’ve already seen this movie, you’ve seen it seven times already! And no matter what we critics say, you just keep going back. I’m baffled as to why. Are you doing this just to spite we lovers of real movies? Are you trying to get back at your parents for not giving you enough hugs? Whatever the reason: stop hurting us, stop hurting movies and stop hurting America. STOP GOING TO BLOOD BITE MOVIES!

Please let this be THE END.

Anton Droll, Chief Reviewer at