“I can’t control myself… when I’m angry…” Such is the oft-repeated catchphrase of Diego Darkanyon, the protagonist of the cult fan-favorite Blood Bite series (and the straight-to-video Diego and Vlad vs. the Mecha-Goths crossover with vampire antihero Vladimir Lifedrainer). Unfortunately, it seems like the director can’t control him either, as Gregory Humperdinck turns in his most unwatchable performance yet in Blood Bite VIII: The Darkanyon of Mars.

Fans of the series will be happy to see the return of some favorite characters, including Old Villager, Lethargic Nondescript European Police Officer, and of course, Lucy – His Lover. However, while the film excels in cameos and catchphrases, it fails spectacularly in almost every other form.

The plot holes are atrocious – I’m not sure why the United States government feels that an uncontrollable werewolf is the ideal candidate to launch into space to prevent a thermo-nucleo-virus from reaching Earth’s atmosphere. I also have no idea why the aliens don’t immediately kill Diego – if their blood is made from silver, and he eats them, wouldn’t their blood reach his heart, thus killing him? And while I appreciate the nod to 2008’s Mummy Apocalypse, the timelines simply don’t add up at all.

But these films have never paid much attention to continuity, as we remember from Blood Bite Part VII: Diego Does Time. Though that time-traveling horror flick certainly brought about some good visuals (Diego versus Genghis Khan was my personal favorite), it certainly didn’t think about the ramifications to the ‘Biteline’, as fans have come to call it.

But if you’re a sucker for werewolves and have a penchant for pain, then this movie is for you. The rest of us will pass on this one and wait for the already-announced Blood Bite VIIII Lives: The Werekitty Cometh.

Bjorg Svendstein, Ottawa Horror Huddle